If you have experienced infidelity, you are not alone! Infidelity and ways to heal from it are extremely common Google searches, showing that many people like you are seeking help and are suffering from its effects. This article will help you find ways to heal and recover. I (Dr. Dominic Schmuck, owner of TruU Psychology) invited an expert in the field to write it for my website, Dr. Bradford Stucki, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a Ph.D. in Human Development. Over the years, he has helped many couples and individuals work through the effects of infidelity.
Infidelity is defined as being unfaithful to a spouse or sexual partner. Dr. John Gottman, a researcher who has studied couples for the last 40 years, remarked that the pillars of any romantic relationship are built upon pillars of trust and commitment. Infidelity can shatter trust, question commitment, and destabilize the foundation of a couple’s relationship by which couples build their lives together. While infidelity can do all these things, there is hope despite the pain and feelings of betrayal.
While some couples may choose to end the relationship after infidelity has occurred, many couples find a way to heal and emerge stronger than before; however, this is a process, rather than an event. Recovering from infidelity is a challenging journey that requires patience—from both parties—empathy, and a commitment to rebuilding trust. In this blog post, we explore the stages of recovery, practical steps for healing, and the transformative potential of forgiveness and growth.
Understanding the Impact
Some couples may wonder, “How did this happen?” or “Why did this happen?” These are valid questions, as they point to the heart of the couple’s communication patterns. Take an affair for example. Shirley Glass reported that affairs are a type of infidelity and can be caused through 1) avoiding conflict or 2) through misunderstanding or deliberately disregarding relationship boundaries that are overtly or subtly implied. Infidelity then, is the pinnacle moment of a trust violation; however, it is not the onset. Rather, the onset of opening doors to infidelity is when partners begin to turn away, rather than towards each other when conflict occurs. Turning away could mean towards a device or screen, a co-worker, a past partner, an internet chatroom, or another third party—basically anyone but their partner.
Gottman and his colleagues Rusbult and Glass, described this turning away process: The turning away partner may be thinking, “this person isn’t there for me, I cannot trust them,” thus beginning the erosion of trust. As a result, that partner may experience overwhelming emotions they aren’t willing to deal with appropriately. This partner then finds conversations about the issue challenging and conflictual. The other partner’s attempts to connect don’t work and then conflict is eventually avoided, for a time. Until the other partner can’t take it anymore and erupts. Comparisons are created and resentment begins. Partners begin to polarize and share less and less with each other. At least one partner then chooses to deliberately turn towards another. Boundaries are crossed and the betrayal begins.
As a result, infidelity strikes at the core of a relationship, leaving both partners grappling with intense emotions such as anger, hurt, shame, and disbelief. The betrayed partner may experience a profound and lasting sense of betrayal and loss, while the unfaithful partner often feels guilt, remorse, and a desire to repair the damage caused. This is generally when many couples will reach out for therapy.
Stages of Recovery
Acknowledgment and Disclosure: The first step towards healing begins with acknowledging the infidelity and having an honest, open discussion about what happened. This includes the betrayed partner expressing their feelings and the unfaithful partner taking responsibility for their actions—and expressing a felt sense of the betrayed partners feelings. Couples should know that this stage is not always a one-time event.
Processing Emotions: Both partners will likely experience a rollercoaster of emotions in the aftermath of infidelity. It's essential to allow each other the space to express these feelings without judgment. Therapy or counseling can provide a safe environment to explore these emotions and work through them constructively. Some unfaithful partners who believe that the first two stages are a one-time event will generally have difficulty with these pieces. For example, unfaithful partners may question why their betrayed partner is “having such as hard time with this when it happened so long ago” or question why their partner “needs to ask the same questions repeatedly” to gain some reassurance about what happened, or complain, “I’ve already shared what happened, why do I need to keep repeating it?” Understandably, the unfaithful partner is likely feeling their own emotions during this time. The crux of the issue though, is not to avoid their own emotions, but to focus on the betrayed partner’s emotions and understand their experience.
Rebuilding Trust: Trust is a cornerstone of any relationship and rebuilding it after infidelity takes time and effort from both partners. Consistency, transparency, and open communication are crucial during this stage. The unfaithful partner must demonstrate remorse and a commitment to change, while the betrayed partner learns to trust again at their own pace. Psychotherapist Esther Perel describes the recovery stages after infidelity as a complete rebuilding of the marriage—there is no returning to what once was. Rather, this is marriage 2.0. Alternatively, there is no “just going back to how things were,” because how things were was not working.
Forgiveness and Moving Forward: Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or excusing the infidelity but rather releasing the negative emotions that can hinder personal and relational growth. It involves a process of letting go of resentment and focusing on the future rather than dwelling on the past.
Practical Steps for Healing
Seek Professional Help: Consider couples therapy or individual counseling to navigate the complexities of recovery. Note that both partners need to be on board for couples therapy, as it will not work if only one partner is committed, and the other is apathetic or feels forced to attend. Look for a trained therapist trained in The Gottman Method or Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) to provide guidance, facilitate communication, and offer tools to rebuild trust and intimacy.
Set Boundaries and Expectations: This can happen outside of therapy; however, it may be more effective as built into therapeutic conversations. Establishing clear boundaries and expectations for the relationship moving forward is crucial. Making the covert rules of the relationship contract overt allows both partners to have a clear understanding of what the relationship involves moving forward—as well as whether they want to stay in the relationship. Things to consider with these boundaries include agreements on transparency, communication, and rebuilding intimacy.
Practice Patience and Empathy: Recovery is not linear—rather it generally looks like a three-year-old’s scribble masterpiece at times. Setbacks may occur along the way and this should be expected and planned for. This does not give permission, but rather preparation for what you will do and how things will happen if another incident does occur. What would practicing patience with yourself and each other look like during this time? What would showing empathy or understanding look like within your relationship? What would the next steps look like?
Focus on Self-Care: Healing from infidelity is emotionally taxing. Take care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being through activities that not only bring you joy, but also replenish your energy such as exercise, hobbies, and spending time with supportive friends and family.
Communicate Openly: Foster a culture of open and honest communication in your relationship. Discuss with one another what this would look like. Encourage each other to express feelings and concerns without fear of judgment. If you’re uncertain about these steps, therapy for one or both of you is an excellent option.
The Role of Forgiveness and Growth
Forgiveness is a powerful tool in the healing process, allowing both partners to release negative emotions and move forward. It does not mean condoning the infidelity but rather choosing to let go of resentment and bitterness. Forgiveness can lead to personal growth and a deeper understanding of oneself and one's partner.
Recovering from infidelity is a transformative journey that can strengthen a relationship in unexpected ways. It requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to confront difficult emotions head-on. By committing to open communication, empathy, and mutual respect, couples can rebuild trust and create a new foundation based on honesty and understanding.
Conclusion
While recovering from infidelity is undeniably challenging, it is not insurmountable. Many couples emerge from this experience with a renewed sense of commitment and connection. By acknowledging the impact of infidelity, understanding the stages of recovery, and taking practical steps for healing, couples can navigate this difficult terrain together. With patience, empathy, and a shared commitment to growth, they can forge a path towards a stronger, more resilient relationship.
If you're currently navigating the aftermath of infidelity in your relationship, remember that healing takes time. On average, the time in therapy is about a year—but this also depends on a number of factors such as effort exerted between sessions, partner commitment to change, participation of individual therapy for either partner, and frequency of sessions. In the meantime, seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can provide guidance and encouragement along the way. Together, you can rebuild trust, cultivate forgiveness, and embrace a future filled with hope and possibility.
Where Can I Find an Expert Therapist?
Finding a great therapist you can trust is difficult. Not only do you want someone with adequate education, but also someone who is empathetic, gets you, and has experience in the field.
If you need help in recovering from infidelity, you can reach out to Dr. Bradford Stucki who works with individuals and couples. He is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and has helped numerous people in healing from infidelity. He is also the author of this blog post and is available to clients in Utah, Texas, and Virginia.
If you want to work with Dr. Bradford Stucki you can call/text (801) 477-6823 or email bradford@bridgehopefamilytherapy.com
Additionally, you can reach out to Dr. Dominic Schmuck, a licensed psychologist who has published and presented research on infidelity. Dominic works with individuals dealing with the aftermath of infidelity and does not work with couples at this time. He is available to clients in over 40 PSYPACT participating states. While it is often beneficial to attend couples therapy during the infidelity recovery process, this is not always possible (e.g., when one partner refuses) or safe (e.g., in cases of abuse). It can also be helpful to attend couples therapy to work through relationship issues while finding a different individual therapist to address your relational trauma.
If you want to working with Dr. Dominic Schmuck, you can call/text (385) 200-0204 or email dominic@truupsychology.com. You can also schedule a free 15-minute consult here. If no timeslot appears through the link, then he likely has a waitlist. Call/text/email instead.
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