Telling Your Mormon Parents You're Leaving the Church - A Psychologist's Guide.

If you've come to this page, you likely fear how your parents will react when you tell them you're leaving or have left Mormonism. You are probably close to the point where you can no longer hide it. You are concerned about their emotions and how your relationship with them will change once they know. If so, continue reading to help you identify the best way of communicating with them.

If you are a teenager or child, I want to clarify that this post is for adults wanting to tell their parents about leaving Mormonism. Parent-child dynamics are drastically different if you are a minor living at home compared to the dynamics I will focus on today. Instead, click here for a Reddit post with recommendations for teenagers who want to tell their parents they are done with Mormonism. The linked Reddit post has some good advice if you are a minor and have parents who are stuck in their thinking that you must go to church no matter what. The advice is not universally applicable to all circumstances and all parents. I am personally not endorsing the recommendations in the linked Reddit post.

Now, let’s get started with my blog post about telling your parents you are leaving Mormonism!

There is usually no easy way to tell your parents you're leaving Mormonism. In the scientific community, Mormonism is considered a "high-demand religion", meaning that it expects a lot from its members. As such, family members have high expectations for each other regarding how they should behave and what they should and shouldn't do. Sometimes, there is even an expectation to monitor each other's behaviors and ensure everyone is on the 'straight and narrow path.'

Parents in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Sain ts often have a hard time letting go of this monitoring behavior. Even well into your adulthood, they may continue to track and question your religious choices - whether you're wearing garments, attending the temple, accepting callings, and more.

So, how do you tell your parents that you no longer believe? As you read through the options below, mentally prepare for the likelihood that, no matter how you approach this, your parents may be disappointed, feel sad, or have their feelings hurt. They might even blame themselves and question their parenting. However, contrary to popular belief, most Mormon parents (emphasis on most - this doesn’t necessarily refer to your specific parents) tend to remain silent on the topic after you've brought it up.

The 4 Most Common Ways to Tell Your Parents

The four most common and effective ways adults tell their parents they are leaving Mormonism are: 1) Emailing them, 2) Calling them, 3) Setting up a meeting, and 4) Letting it happen naturally. I'll explain each method in more detail below, including the pros and cons. There is no single "best" way, but most people choose to send an email and often find success with this approach when it’s done respectfully and succinctly. Here, success means causing the least amount of relational tension possible. However, as mentioned earlier, be prepared that no matter how you approach it, your parents will likely feel some level of disappointment.

Emailing Your Parents. This method is ideal for those who prefer to avoid their parents' immediate emotional reactions upon learning that they no longer believe in Mormonism. It also offers the best chance of minimizing pushback, as many Mormon parents tend to avoid conflict, making it more likely that they will remain silent rather than challenge your decision.

In your email, you’ll have the opportunity to carefully consider how you want to explain your change in belief and what you wish to communicate. This approach allows you to avoid defending yourself in the moment and gives you the option to set boundaries. For example, you might write something like: "I understand this email may come as a surprise, and you may be feeling a range of emotions. If you have any questions, let's discuss them in a week or later, after emotions have settled. Please also respect that I will not engage in conversations aimed at reconverting me, debating my beliefs, or criticizing my decision.

A potential downside of this method is that some trigger-happy parents might feel upset or betrayed, and confront you for not sharing such an "important" matter in person. That being said, in all my years as a therapist working with individuals leaving the Mormon church, I've never had a client report this outcome. I've only ever heard secondhand stories of this possibility.
Calling Your Parents. This method works well for individuals who prefer having a conversation about their shift in beliefs and want to get it over with without making a big deal out of their decision by setting up a meeting.

You can think through what you want to say, pick up the phone, and share your decision. While your parents may be surprised, handling it this way shows them that it doesn’t need to be blown out of proportion. Once the conversation ends, you can hang up and avoid any lingering awkwardness that might come with an in-person meeting.

The downside, of course, is that you’ll have to face their immediate emotional reaction. Many Mormon parents tend to avoid conflict, so they may not challenge you much. However, you might hear disappointment in their voices about you or even about themselves, or you might see tears streaming down their faces as they worry about your eternal salvation. In rare cases, your parents may react strongly and engage in a heated conversation on the spot, though this is much more uncommon than the ex-mormon reddit page will make you think.

On a positive note, seeing their immediate emotional reaction might be a healing experience. They might show genuine unconditional love and sincere understanding, which can be comforting. This type of response is most commonly seen from "progressive Mormons." However, if you have such supportive parents that you don’t need to worry about their reaction, you might not have come across this blog post to begin with. 😁
Setting up a Meeting. Some individuals and parents value the formality of a face-to-face meeting to discuss a change in beliefs. A formal meeting demonstrates respect and seriousness to your parents about the matter you want to address. Unlike other methods, your parents can’t accuse you of not taking it seriously. However, as with calling them, you’ll have to face their immediate emotional reaction, which could be positive or negative.

Be mentally prepared to set boundaries on what you’re willing to share. Avoid debates over who’s right or wrong, and don’t overshare your reasons for leaving Mormonism to prevent them from feeling personally attacked. Stick to the fact that you are leaving and significantly limit your discussion surrounding "why" you are leaving to remain respectful of their faith.

If you’re concerned about their emotional response, consider meeting in a public place to help them manage their reactions better. Alternatively, meeting at someone’s home could provide a more comfortable environment for everyone.

Keep in mind that depending on your parents and the setting, there may be lingering awkwardness after the conversation, especially if your meal is not finished but your discussion about Mormonism is.
Letting it Happen. This method is ideal for those who prefer to avoid formal discussions about leaving the Mormon church. It’s often underestimated in its effectiveness due to its simplicity. Essentially, you respond honestly to questions about your religious beliefs and behaviors. For example, if asked about your temple attendance, you might say, "I haven’t been to the temple." If asked about a talk at General Conference, you might say, "I haven't listened to General Conference." If asked about your beliefs, you might say, "I don’t believe in the church anymore." Simple, short, and direct responses do the trick.

By keeping your responses nonchalant, you signal that this change shouldn’t be a big deal. Be prepared to offer honest, brief answers whenever religious topics come up. This approach might catch your parents off guard and challenge their expectation that such a change should be significant. When parents are surprised, they often struggle to respond, which can shift the power dynamic in your favor. If they try to make a big deal out of it, remain calm and continue to be straightforward and confident, treating the change as normal.

Many clients who have used this method report less reaction from their parents than they expected. Your casual approach communicates that the issue is not dramatic, and as a result, your parents are more likely to mirror your demeanor.

Please keep in mind that I don’t know your parents personally, so I can’t predict their specific reactions to any of the methods described. I’m sharing approaches that many of my clients have successfully used. The method you choose depends on your personal values, how you want to communicate your decision, and what reaction you hope for from your parents.

If you want to minimize direct conversation about your beliefs, consider sending an email.
If you prefer to show respect by speaking to them directly but want the option to end the conversation if needed, opt for a phone call.
If you want to demonstrate respect and show that you’re confident in addressing the matter, arrange an in-person meeting.
If you prefer a more informal approach and want to handle the situation as if it’s not a big deal, simply let it happen by giving honest answers when questions arise.

Tips for Telling Your Parents You're Leaving Mormonism

Keep Your Purpose in Mind. Always remember why you are choosing to tell your parents you are leaving Mormonism. This reason is likely to ensure you maintain a loving relationship with them moving forward. Focus on communicating this intention.
Focus on Respect, Not Debate. In the moment, you might fall prey to prove you are right. Instead, concentrate on being respectful of their beliefs. If you want them to respect your beliefs or disbelief, you need to show them how to do this. Many parents have not developed this skill regarding Mormonism.
Be Factual "that" you are leaving Mormonism. Focus on simply stating that you are leaving the church. Keep your message factual and clear.
Avoid Discussing "why" you are leaving Mormonism. If pressed, be vague, broad, and super brief in your response. Sharing too many reasons can lead to unnecessary conflict. Read up on the backfire effect to learn more about this STRONG recommendation.
Keep the Conversation Brief. Sending an email? Two to four paragraphs will suffice. Talking to them in person? Plan on 5 minutes or less. Keep your communication short and to the point. If your parents are genuinely interested in understanding, you can have a longer conversation. Otherwise, stick to brief and factual exchanges to avoid prolonged debates that don't help with your purpose of talking to your parents (see "1.").

I Need More Help, What Do I Do?

Every parent-child relationship is unique. You are likely experiencing a lot of overwhelming emotions yourself. Needing to carefully navigate your relationship while you feel betrayed by your church can be immensely difficult. While the tips above are general, they may not universally apply to your specific relationship with your parents. Many additional nuances likely play out, which are not addressed in this brief blog post.

If you feel overwhelmed and need additional support, feel free to reach out. I am a Licensed secular Psychologist with a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. I specialize in helping individuals navigate Mormon faith crises, religious trauma, and in navigating relationship issues and trauma. I have helped numerous individuals navigate opening up to their families about leaving Mormonism.

You can contact me by calling/texting (385) 200-0204 or emailing dominic@truupsychology.com to get started. You can also schedule a free 15-minute consult here. If no timeslot appears through the link, then I likely have a waitlist. Call/text/email instead.